What is a Twinless Twin?
I am not sure exactly when the idea, or the seed was planted in my heart to write this book, It’s My Birthday Too – The Journey of Twin Souls. I do not recall how old I was when I learned I had a twin sister. The only thing I do recall is that I was told that I did have a twin and that she died a few hours after she was born. My twin was never talked about and was never even given a name, so she did not seem real to me. I asked myself over and over, how could I possibly write ‘our’ story after all my twin was only a few hours old when she passed away, so how could I possibly know her. I believed that if I felt that way, other people would feel the same way and perhaps ask me that same question, and I just was not sure how to answer it.
I experienced a heavy feeling of a pervasive sadness for years but this feeling became stronger in the month of December. I felt if I gave my twin a name, perhaps that would make her seem ‘real’ to me, so I named her Anna Christine. I wanted to find a way to ‘connect’ to her. For me life is all about connection – connection to my soul, connection to my twin sister’s soul, connection to those who no longer walk the planet and connection to Source, or God whatever name I choose to call that Divine Intelligence. This connection is what brings me joy and peace.
This underlying feeling of sadness was always there, but it seemed to be stronger around Christmas time and I could not understand why. Oddly enough I do not have any ‘memories’ of Christmases as a child. When ever I would tell someone this, they would ask me why that was and I have never been able to answer that question. Anna Christine and I were born on December 12th, 13 days before Christmas. I do know that my mother and I were still in the hospital on December 21st because Mother received a Christmas card from a cousin wishing her a happy Christmas. I know this because I still have that card. However, it never occurred to me that this could be the cause for my feeling of pervasive sadness.
I am sure this was devastating for both of my parents, but I think about my father often and how difficult this must have been for him as well. He had to take care of the final arrangements for my twin sister. He had a wife that was very depressed and still in the hospital, a newborn and a 7 year old daughter at home. I believe that my mother was never able to get over that loss. It was just something she could not face nor talk about to anyone.
I continued to try to find a way to connect with my twin sister, Anna Christine and in 2002 I wrote a story I called, The Journey – From Chrysalis to Butterfly. This story was written as fiction based on fact. It was written from the third person view point, because then I did not have to feel the feelings that went along with the experience. When I finished writing that story I put it away in a drawer and forgot about it. Then when I came across it a few years ago and read through it, I realized that something was missing and what was missing is the connection!
I learned many years later that my twin sister’s unmarked grave is right next to my brother’s grave. He was apparently a healthy baby, but it was a breech birth and he died during the birth process. I am sure this was devastating for both of my parents, however I do not believe my mother was ever able to get over that loss. Then for my twin sister to die soon after being born was evidently something that she could not face nor talk about to anyone. Years ago when things like that happened there was no one or nowhere my mother could turn to for help. Having had two miscarriages myself I know how difficult this can be.
Then on December 22, 1970 my first husband passed away at the age of 39. Bob had that insidious disease of alcoholism and lived in denial until the day he died. I tried in every way I knew possible to encourage him to get the help he needed, but to no avail. I finally made the decision to leave him in August of 1970 after struggling with that decision for over two years. I felt as though my world was crashing down around me and I could not allow myself to stand by and watch Bob being destroyed by alcohol. As I look back I think I made that decision as much for my three sons, as for myself. Bob was buried on Christmas Eve of 1970.
For a long time I think I blamed my sadness around Christmas time because of Bob’s death. This goes without saying the event of his death certainly did have an impact on how I felt at Christmas time for years to come.
Then four years later on December 4, 1974 I met Jay – my soul mate and we were married in March 1975. I am not sure about ‘love at first sight’ but I do know I felt an instant connection there and it did not take very long for both of us to know just how much love we had for one another and it is indeed a forever kind of love! It goes without saying that after Jay and I were married I began to look forward to Christmas time. Jay and I have many, many wonderful memories of that holiday.
The next most difficult experience of my life took place on August 6, 1998. My oldest son Rob, passed away suddenly and I was devastated. After Rob’s death I wrote every day, usually in the early morning hours to try to heal the pain. I created a book in his memory with some wonderful stories and pictures. This did help, but as I look through that Keepsake now I realize that the pain is still there. It is something that I think will never go away. I do believe however, that it is important to recall some of the wonderful memories I have about Rob each and every day and in doing so I will keep his memory alive in my heart until the time we are together again.
Then on December 4, 2004, when I took that memorable walk that changed my life, the idea of writing this book – It’s My Birthday Too – The Journey of Twin Souls became a burning desire. Now after 14 years this book is becoming a reality.
When I awoke this morning, I remembered a website that I had discovered a number of years ago titled “Twinless Twins.” I checked out that website again and that idea inspired me to write a chapter in my book that I have titled What is a Twinless Twin.
It is my belief that no matter when someone’s twin dies, it is an extremely difficult loss. It certainly has been proven that the bond between twins begins in the womb and I surely do believe this.
I have found that that the very early loss of my twin sister has been a struggle from the beginning for me. I have asked many questions and live with the feeling of incompleteness. I find it difficult to describe the impact that loss has had on my life. I also find it a challenge to communicate my experiences and feelings to others. There was a period of time that I did not know how I was going to write our story, after all I did not know my twin as others might say, after all she was only a few hours old when she died, how could I possibly know her?
However by writing this book, It’s My Birthday Too I have discovered that I did not lose my twin, Anna Christine. We connect regularly and I receive messages from her that have been included throughout our story.
I am so grateful to have found the Twinless Twins International Support Group. I have subscribed to their News Letter and in that way I am able to connect with other Twinless Twins.
It is my prayer that by writing this book, It’s My Birthday Too – The Journey of Twin Souls, may in some way help others who have experienced this kind of loss.
About Me Sylvia Mallonee is a published author and she has an intense interest in helping and encouraging others to tell their stories. Sylvia’s message is her desire to connect with others to help make them aware of the importance of leaving a legacy of love to their families and friends. This is a gift that only each individual can give. Sylvia’s recently published book, It’s My Birthday Too – A Journey of Twin Souls is about how she connected with her twin sister, Anna Christine, who passed on just a few hours after she was born. It is written with love and based on her desire to share some of her experiences in the hope that others may be inspired to share their story. Sylvia is a member of the Twinless Twins International Support Group. She has a great deal of insight as to what is it like to be a Twinless Twin. Once a twin always a twin. As Sylvia states in her book, it was a very memorable walk in early December 2004 that she witnessed that extraordinary rainbow that changed her life forever.